9 months of hell
by Chloetippler
Summary: Get an insight into Octavia's life as she struggles with some major personal issues and starts to see how Clarke's absence affects Bellamy. Includes some Bellarke and Linctavia but the plot line mostly revolves around Octavia being pregnant. (WARNING: sad ending) Please ignore any spelling mistakes or typos.
1. Chapter 1

Bile comes rushing up my throat and I uncontrollably vomit over the forest floor. The strong, putrid, acidic smell burns the inside of my nostrils. Lincoln is not here. I sit alone in the edge of the forest next Arkadia with a pile of sick beside me. I look around at the dazzling forest bathed in the glorious morning sunshine and force myself to my knees. As I come to my feet, a gurgle torments my stomach and another irrepressible pile of puke erupts from inside me leaving a dissatisfying, bitter taste in my mouth. What is wrong with me? Am I ill? My heads spins and it takes me a moment to gather enough of my senses to start walking towards Arkadia. I should probably talk to Abby or Jackson in case its food poisoning. I stumble through the twisting pathways between the trees until I can clearly see Arkadia in front of me. Its grand, metal fence buzzing with electricity and littered with guards and their guns. I hate it, the whole place looks like a prison. To me it always has been a prison. My head feels foggy and cloudy making it difficult to walk in a straight line and the constant feeling of wanting to eject every fluid in my body isn't helping me to feel any better.

The room is quieter than usual and there is only two or three patients waiting to be tended to. I remember coming in here with Nyko, not to long ago, when he was attacked by the ice nation. The bed he was lying on is still here but has been pressed to the side of the room. "Octavia what can I do for you?" says Jackson as he strolls in, clip-board in hand. He looks perkier than usual, not as tired as I normally see him. His thin lips are pursed into a rather pleased smile and his eyes look bright and alive. I wonder what could have put him in such a good mood. "Um well I have been feeling rather nauseous and have been vomiting quite a bit so I just wanted to see if I should be checked out or something" My voice sounds awkward as I speak and for some reason my palms are sweating. Jackson nods and smiles and then says "Okay no problem follow me"

He guides me to a sectioned off bit of medical and takes my temperature before asking me a series of questions. "What was the last thing you ate?"

I struggle to remember but then it comes back to me "meat stew last night"

He scribbles something on his clip board before asking again "Any diarrhea or increased urination?"

I shake my head slighting before saying "Um not really"

He scribbles on his clip bored again "Any wounds that may have got infected?" he says nodding towards my bandaged arm.

I gained a cut form a rock the other day when I feel off my horse. "Not that I know of off"

Jackson puts down the clip board and gives me a quizzical look. "Well have you missed a period?" The question suddenly makes sparks of panic flare through me. Thinking about it I was dew a few days ago but I hadn't even noticed and it hadn't even occurred to me that it could actually mean something. My hair sticks to the back of my neck that is now glazed in a layer of sweat and I have to rub my clammy palms on my trousers to dry them. I sheepishly nod my head. He can't be implying what I think he is implying. No. He can't. My head is facing the floor. 'It's fine' I tell myself. It's probably just stress. "Octavia?" I look up at Jackson whose eyes are over flowing with a sympathetic look that you would give a child. "I would like to run a few more tests if that would be okay?" He hesitates but I nod without really thinking about what he is saying. I'm lost in a world of my own. A world consumed by ten million thoughts, each contradicting the other.

Once I give Jackson a urine sample he tells me to wait in the waiting room. The wait seems to take forever and the anxiety is killing me. With every passing second more disturbing thoughts swallow my mind like a never ending black hole. The chair I sit on is steel and I can feel the cold seeping into me from the metal. After about 10 minutes of waiting in the deserted waiting area, l can see Jackson come out of a closed off room with Abby by his side and they walk towards me. I stand up ready to listen to what they have to say. I can honestly say that I'm terrified, nothing has ever scared me in the same way that this has. My whole body is trembling with anticipation, dreading the words that Abby is about to say. "Octavia we have your test results back…" exclaims Abby. My lower lip begins to waver. I already know what she's about to say but a small part of me hopes that I'm wrong. Hopes that this won't happen. I'm not ready. She is about to say it. Any second now…

"You're pregnant" she says

For a moment my heart stops beating. A deep churning feeling rises within me making me feel sick again. This doesn't feel real. This feels like a terrible, terrible night mare that I can't wake up from. This is real. This is happening. I'm pregnant. There is an actual, physical human baby growing inside me. I don't know what to do. Do I get rid of it? Do I keep it? What do I tell Lincoln? How can I fight and train if I'm carrying an extra 10 pounds around with me all day. "Octavia?" I look to see Abby staring at me the way Jackson did. Sympathy written all over her face. "Are you okay? Do you want to talk?" she says. I don't want to talk; I have enough voices in my head already. I just stare at Abby not sure what to say or do. "Octavia I really think we should talk about this?" Her voice is condescending and patronizing; I can see why Raven dislikes her. I don't answer Abby; I just stare at the ground.

I can't bare Abby's concerned stare any longer so I turn on my heal and sprint out of the room, along the corridor, out the doors, down the path and to the stables where realize my horse as quickly as I can I jump on her back. I run away from Arkadia as quick as I can .I don't look back or stop to wait for them to properly open the gates, I just keep running. I don't cry because I am not sad. I don't smile because I am not happy. I simply run. Run and leave everything behind me. I don't want a child; I wouldn't know what to do with the thing if I had one. All I can do now is get away. So I carry on running on my horse into the woods until my mind finally becomes clear.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't tell Lincoln yet. I don't know what I would say. I know that he wouldn't be mad so it's not like I'm scared of telling him, it's just that there is so much going on and I don't think he could handle it right now. It's been two days since Abby told me I was pregnant and so far I haven't told anyone and I have avoided Abby as much as I can. So many thoughts and feelings have been weighing down on me and I don't know how much more I can take. All babies are to me is trouble, look what happened to my mum after she had me. I know that this isn't the ark anymore but it still feels like having kids are a bad idea, plus why would I want to raise them in a world like this?

I have to tell someone. I don't know who but I just have to. I can't tell Bellamy because his 'big brother' instinct would kick in and he would try to protect me from something that I can't be protected from. I certainly don't want to talk about it to Abby. Monty doesn't really seem like the right person to tell and Jasper has enough of his own problems to deal with. I make up my mind. I try and plan what I'm going to say, something along the lines of 'I just need someone to tell and you have always been a good friend.' No. That's too mushy. I will just go in there, say I am pregnant and ask what she would do. Normally I can handle my problems on my own but in this case I have no idea what to do and two heads are better than one.

I hate being in Arkadia. People stare at me because I look like a grounder. I am a grounder. The long stretch of tubing that runs along the ceiling is starting to pull away and looks like it will fall. The floor is scuffed and scratched and the walls are dented in places. As I reach the door that leads to the main engineering room, I look through the frosted window to make sure no one else is in there apart from Raven. Sure enough she is alone as I thought, huddled over something that looks small and delicate. The door swings open with a subtle squeak and Raven looks up from her work. My whole body quakes with fear and my mouth goes dry. What do I say? How do I tell her? Raven must sense something is wrong because she asks me "Octavia are you okay?" She brushes a long, brown strand of hair out of her face and takes of her gloves. I stand there not sure what to say. Maybe I shouldn't tell her; maybe I should tell Lincoln first. What if she tells people? What if she can't help? Suddenly despite all the contradicting thoughts that are running through me head I just blurt out "I'm pregnant"

The mechanic stares at me from a second trying to process what I said before just saying "What?"

"A couple of days ago Abby told me I was pregnant and I needed to tell someone so I told you" I say bluntly.

"Well does Lincoln know?"

I shake my head "I can't bring myself to tell him"

She raises her eyebrows at me. "Octavia you have to tell him" she says.

I am surprised at how well she has reacted. "What do I say? He has so much going on right now with the ice nation and this is just gonna complicate things"

"Well you're going to have to tell him eventually because in a few months' time you're going to get pretty fat"

I walk over to the side of the room and perch myself on a rickety bench. Raven follows and sits next to me. Her eyes aren't sympathetic like Abby and Jackson's were, instead they look serious like she is trying to figure something out. "What do you want to do with…" She hesitates for a moment, not knowing what to call the thing before simply saying "It". I run my hand over my tight braids to smooth down any stray hairs. Exhaustion and relief is evident in my voice as I have been holding this in for what seems like forever "I have no idea" I say. The result of the last two sleepless nights and constant vomiting is starting to have an effect on me and my whole body feels heavy and tired. "Do you want to keep it?" Raven inquires.

"Not really"

"Then just get it removed" she says.

"But something doesn't feel right about doing that" I say finally expressing the thoughts that have been bothering me for days.

"Octavia do you honestly think that with your incredibly active and violent life style that you are going to be able to carry a baby"

I shake my head.

"Besides would you even want to put up with that thing inside you for 9 months?"

"No" I say flatly. I know where she is heading with this. The smart decision would be to have an abortion and I am certainly not against doing that, but something just doesn't feel right. I rarely ever interact with children and I don't know the first thing about them. All I know is that they cry and poo and vomit and smell. I don't want a child but for some reason the idea of destroying it makes me feel uncomfortable. "Octavia you need to talk about this with Lincoln" Raven says earnestly. I know she's right. Lincoln is the father so he has a right to know but when it comes down to it, it is still my choice and my choice only. It's my body so I decide what happens to it but if I get rid of the kid I would feel like something is missing but if I keep it I know that I will regret it. Then a thought occurs to me that still causes problems but is better than the other options. "Why don't I have the thing and then give it to someone who actually wants it" I suggest. Raven nods slowly in agreement. "I know that there is still the issue of carrying a baby around in me when I try and fight and stuff but at least I don't have to get rid of it or keep it."

"I guess" says Raven "But you still have to tell Lincoln"


	3. Chapter 3

I watch him for a minute. He's carrying large metal beams on his shoulders, towards the fence. As I watch him I gently run a bristly comb through my horse's hair, untangling any knots that were caused by the wind. Lincoln goes back and forth from a pile of beams to the fence over 5 times before the beams are all gone. It takes me a while to plan what I'm going to say. I know he won't be mad, it's as much his fault as it is mine, but I think he will be surprised. The sickening feeling that has been haunting my stomach for days slowly edges its way up my throat and I have to swallow it down. _You can do this Octavia_ I tell myself. What do I say? What will he say? Will he be happy? Will he be sad? So many questions bombard me making me want to forget the idea of telling him, but I have to. I can't keep something like this from him. I would trust Lincoln with my life so I know I can trust him now to behave rationally.

It takes every shred of courage I have to leave my horse and walk over to where he is standing. My head is pounding so hard it causes me to wince and the permanent wish to project vomit everywhere is getting stronger. He stands with a few of the guards, my brother included. I need to get him alone, somewhere private. Lincoln turns to face me on my arrival with a wide smile on his face that soon disappears when he sees how ill I look. "Octavia are you okay?" his words are kind and gentle and his forehead is creased with concern. Telling him will break his heart. It will destroy him like it is destroying me. Behind Lincoln I see Bellamy step forwards to get closer to me. In a deep anxious voice he says "O what's wrong?" I ignore him and keep my focus on Lincoln. If I don't tell him now then the stress will eat me alive. "I need to talk to you" I say wearily. Lincoln tilts his head with suspicion but doesn't object. "Sure let's go inside"

I follow him across the yard and into an empty part of mecha station. The room is fairly dark but a single beam of light arcs over the walls and the old light bulb remains swinging from the ceiling, powerless. Lincoln glides across the floor to the corner of the room and perches himself on an empty work desk. "What do you need to tell me?" His voice is clear and smooth and completely unaware of what I am about to tell him. Every part of me doesn't want to tell him. I want to keep it a secret so I never have to see his perfect smile fade. He doesn't deserve this, neither of us do. "Lincoln I…" I trail of not sure how to say it. My heart is pounding so quickly in my chest it's like a ticking time-bomb. "Lincoln I'm…" I stutter and my voice is croaky, barely able to get the words out of my mouth. He stares at me with a worried look on his face. "I'm pregnant!" I blurt out. I couldn't hold it in any longer. His eyes widen at an alarming speed and his mouth drops ever so slightly. Lincoln's eyes just stare blankly at me. He says nothing. His silence makes me feel uncomfortable. "Well say something" I plead with him. "When did you find out?" he says. Nothing about his expression changes, he keeps the blank, stark stare. "A few days ago, I went to medical because I was throwing up and Abby told me" I can't figure out how he feels. Is he mad? Is he upset? "How far gone are you?"

"3 weeks" I say. He slowly gets up from where he was perching and walks over to me. Then he takes one of my hands in his and slides his cool fingers between mine. He is so close to me I can feel his warm breath on my cheek. "What are you going to do with it?" his voice is quiet, he looks more concerned now than before but I still can't figure out how he feels about the whole situation. "I was thinking about giving it up for adoption" I almost whisper. Suddenly he pulls me in and wraps his strong arms around me in a hug. I put my arms over his neck and we both hold on tightly to each other. His body is warm and it makes me feels safe, like I am home. When I am enfolded in his arms the rest of the world doesn't seem to matter anymore. He brings his lips close to my ear and says in the smallest voice possible "I'm so sorry". His words take me by surprise. I pull away from the hug just enough so that I can see his face but I leave my arms around him. "This isn't your fault" I say "None of this is" Lincoln's eyes are large and full of exasperation. "But it isn't yours either" he says nodding at me. The strong arms around me fall away and he steps away from me before holding both my hands in his own. "I promise I will stick by you no matter what happens. If you need me I will never be more than a few feet away. If you ever feel like getting rid of it then I understand and will stick by you but if you want to keep it then I will support you." The look on his face is intense and sincere, every word he says matching the expression on his face. All the tension and stress from the past few days finally releases and I am left feeling like I no longer have to carry this burden alone. We will carry this burden together.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been a week since I told Lincoln; I made him promise not to tell anyone until I have told Bellamy. Telling Bellamy doesn't scare me anywhere near as much as telling Lincoln did. I just need to pick the right time to bring it up. Dark grey clouds loom over Arkadia and a subtle drizzle of rain dampens my hair as I sit by the gate waiting for Bellamy to go on his break. Unlike Lincoln I know exactly how he is going to react. At first he will be angry, will probably shout at me for being careless. Next he will go after Lincoln and make threats, be intimidating. Then finally he will come round to the idea and will turn into protective mode, not letting me do anything or go anywhere in case something happens.

I see Bellamy hand over his gun to a guard as he comes of patrol. A gentle but cool breeze blows through his curly hair and makes the loose fabric of his t-shirt snap in the wind. He faces the floor as he walks every limb heavy and tired. Although he denies it, losing Clarke changed him. After she left it was like all of his problems were suddenly ten times harder and the hope he had for peace was dissipating. He sluggishly walks past without noticing me so I grab his arm and pull him back. "What do you want O?" he asks tiredly. "I need to tell you something that I know you're not going to like" I bite my lip expecting the worst. His back straightens at my words his eyes seem more alive but filled with suspicion. "What?" he says slowly, studying my face. "Just promise me you won't freak out, god knows I'm freaking out enough myself right now and I don't need you to as well" I say. Bellamy says nothing and just eyes me up cautiously. "A week or so ago I found out I was pregnant" saying it now feels completely different from when I told Lincoln. When I told Lincoln and Raven the words felt strange and unfamiliar but now they feel more natural. Bellamy's whole face scrunches up and I swear that smoke poured from his ears. "What?" He says in a voice so low and gravely it sounded like it was from hell. "I already know what I'm doing with it and I don't need your help, I just thought I ought to tell you"

"O, how could you be so irresponsible? Do you really want a kid?" his ferocity is starting make me twitch with anger. I already hate myself; I don't need him making me feel worse. "Of course I don't but it's not like I'm keeping it" I say my voice laced with irritation. "God O you are so stupid! Have you learnt nothing from Mom!" He practically yells. Now I get really mad. He has the nerve to bring mom into this after everything that happened. "Are you kidding? This isn't the Ark Bell!" I scream, throwing my hands in the air for emphasis. The rain starts falling in bigger drops now and a shiver runs through me. "I'm not exactly going to hide the kid under the floor for sixteen years!" Bellamy practically shakes with rage. "Octavia you are not ready to have a child" his voice is quieter but is still heavy with fury. "Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do?" I spit the words at him "Besides I'm not even gonna keep the thing"

With that I turn to the side and begin marching away from him, my hands balled into fists and trembling with anger. I hear Bellamy's plodding footsteps as he jogs to catch up with me and calls out "Octavia wait-" but before he can finish I spin around and thrust the sharp bit of my elbow into his abdomen. He gasps and clutches his stomach with his hand. "You've said enough" I growl and I walk away leaving him standing alone in the rain grasping injury.

A few hours later I sit around a large camp fire with Lincoln next me. The sun has just finished setting and the inky sky makes the rain look invisible. The wood from the fire crackles and hisses and a mouth-watering smell of roasting hog drifts through the air. Despite the dark, most people still bustle around outside, either working or eating dinner. "Are you really okay with this?" I say to Lincoln as I stretch my arms out to warm my hands by the fire. "Admittedly it isn't the best situation to be in right now but we can figure it out" he says. He gives a small smile and I push my lips to his. I don't understand how he can be so calm about this; to me it feels like the world is collapsing all around me. As I pull away from the kiss I look to see Lincoln looking at something behind me. I turn around to find my brother still fully dressed in his guard's uniform, 32 inch rifle in hand. "Can we talk?" he says. I look away from him without answering. "I'll see you later" says Lincoln slowly, he gets up from his seat and backs away from me and Bellamy before going inside. I'm not surprised Lincoln didn't want to be around when me and my brother fight, he and Bellamy are friends and it would make things awkward. I shuffle over as my brother perches on a seat next to me.

"What do you want?" I say. I keep my eyes fixated on the glowing fire, not wanting to really acknowledge Bellamy. "I'm sorry about earlier, okay?"

"So you should be"

"What do you want me to say O? I know I reacted badly but you can't blame me" he practically begs with me.

"I have been torturing myself about this for days; I hardly think I need you to torture me too"

"When did you find out?" his voice is more relaxed now, less accusing.

"A week and three days ago," I gulp "I'm about three weeks along" My brother is an idiot sometimes but I hate arguing with him, he's the only family I've got.

"How did Lincoln react?" he asks.

"He took it surprisingly well considering how much pressure he is under right now"

"You know when that thing comes out, I'm gonna be the first uncle from the ark in 97 years" he half smiles and I do to. I hadn't thought about it like that before.

The stars twinkle with intense brightness that can be seen through the cloudy sky. "I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes but" he pauses and I actually turn to look him in the eyes this time "I love you O" Despite everything I put my arm around his shoulder and we sit there for a moment in the dark with the fire crackling away.


	5. Chapter 5

It has been 1 month and a half since I found out I was pregnant. My life has pretty much stayed the same as it was before apart from the occasional puking and nausea. The sun glows brilliantly, rising over the far away mountains; there isn't a single cloud in sight. In this morning I feel truly at peace. Everything seems calm and relaxed; barely anyone is awake yet apart from the inconsistent groups of guards dotted around the fence. Bellamy is trying to get me to stay within the camp walls more often but my heart yearns to be back on my horse, galloping through the forests.

Suddenly I can feel the smell of something delicious slipping its way into my nostrils. I can't quite figure out what it is. Something sweet and tangy. Something amazing. When I realize what it is my stomach clenches and an uncontrollable desire for the fragrant berries hit me. I remember trying the berries when we first landed on the ground, small and plump, bursting with syrupy juice inside. I can't think about anything else, all I want is those berries. I need them. My head scans the area around me for any sign of them until my eyes come to rest on a middle-aged man carrying a basket of them into the building. I want them desperately; I have never wanted something so badly in my life.

I sprint in the direction of the berries and burst through the doors but when I reach my destination the man is gone and so are the berries. My head spins from side to side in search of them but they are nowhere to be seen. Just then I see a skinny, latina girl slowly walking down the metal corridor towards me. I dive towards Raven aggressively and grab both her arms. Her whole face wakes up with surprise and she stares at me like I'm crazy "Octavia, what the hell-"she begins but I interrupt her before she can finish. "Berries" I say almost manically. "What?" she says raising an eyebrow suspiciously. "Berries. I want them- no- I _need_ them" Raven gapes at me in confusion for a few moments before a sly smile slithers across her face "I know what's wrong with you" she says nodding along to her own words. I lift an eyebrow at her quizzically. "You're getting cravings" She smiles smugly and I let go of her arms, taking a few steps back. "What?" I say confused. "You're getting your first cravings. That's why you're going crazy over a few berries" I half-smile at her and then look at my feet awkwardly, not wanting to look at her arrogant smirk. "Come on, let's go see if we can find you some berries" she says. I jump up in exhilaration; I have never been this happy about berries before.

As we enter the cold, dank canteen we see a few people hunched over tables, shoveling spoonfuls of vegetable soup into their mouths. My eyes examine the scene in front of me, desperate to find those sweet, delightful berries and thank god, perched on a counter in the corner of the room is a basket full of them. I rush forward as quickly as I can and finally find myself next to the basket of juicy, red berries. I look over at Raven with a smile bigger than any other I have made and she gives me a nod of approval before I scoop up a handful of them and tip them into my mouth. The sweetness dances on my tongue and a wave of relief flushes through me at the satisfaction. I can hear Raven chuckle to herself but I ignore her, I just gulp down as many berries as I can.

Later I find myself balanced on a bench made from scrap metal by the wall. The breeze is subtle but it's just enough to lift my hair backwards and make the hem of my shirt flap. Outside the wall I can see fresh, green trees stretch as far as the grand mountains in the distance and every now and then I can hear bird song. Less than a year ago I had never heard bird song in my life; I couldn't even imagine what it sounded like but now I hear it almost every day. How I long to go beyond the wall, like I longed to leave that tiny room I grew up in on the ark. I know that being inside the wall isn't the same as being trapped inside that room but it feels pretty much the same. I can sense the trees and the mountains calling me but if I step a foot outside Bellamy will kill me. Bellamy has been out all day. I don't know where exactly but Kane said something about him going to Polis to find Clarke. He won't give up on her, no matter what she always seems to be his first priority.

As I sit day dreaming on the bench I hear heavy footsteps behind me and then a large body slumps down next to me. Lincoln doesn't talk, he just gazes into the distance like I was doing a few moments ago. His arm is bulky and tense making his dark tattoos stand out. I run my finger along the black, circular band that goes around his arm, tracing every detail with my nail. After a few minutes he looks down at me and smiles softly. "What?" I ask. His smile grows bigger and in an amused voice he says "You're starting to show a little" I expand my eyes and immediately look down at my torso. I cup my stomach with my hands, feeling for a bump. It's barely noticeable but my stomach is definitely wider than it was previously. Lifting myself of the bench I continue to run my hands along my stomach until Lincoln's hand rests on mine. "May I feel?" he says. "Sure but there isn't really much there at the moment" I pull my shirt up a bit to reveal my belly and Lincoln gently places his large hand on my bare skin. His hands are cold but there is something comforting about how keen he seems, like he is excited. He bends down slowly and presses an ear to my exposed stomach. I laugh and smile simultaneously before saying "You won't hear anything yet, it's too soon"

"I don't care" he says with his ear still pressed to me.

When he finally stands up again I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his lips onto mine. He applies just enough pressure without being rough or too gentle. "Ai hod yu in" I say, which means 'I love you' in trigedasleng. He repeats the words back to me and then we continue to kiss in front of the scrap metal bench, the warm air heating my skin and making me feel pleasantly calm.


	6. Chapter 6

Rain plummets furious and cold from the grey clouds, bouncing fiercely of the metal buildings. It has been almost three months now and there is a definite bump. Since I have started showing people treat me differently; they stare at me as I walk past or whisper to each other when they see me. Many people often ask if I need a hand carrying things or moving heavy objects; I hate it. I am still strong enough to wield my sword so I don't need their help. As the little demon grows inside me, I feel weaker, less able to defend myself. If things are tough now then I dread what it will be like in 6 or seven months when I can barely stand on my own.

I walk with haste through the hammering rain towards Arkadia. I have been sitting outside the wall in the lining of the forest to get away from the skaikru's staring eyes. The woods make me feel safe and relaxed but if Bellamy knew I was out here he would murder me. The rain smashes onto my face violently and large droplets manage to roll down my neck and get under my clothes making me feel chilled to the bone. As I approach the huge, metal gates of Arkadia, I wait for the doors to open up but they don't. The guards in the watch tower all have their guns trained on me. What is going on? Why won't they let me in? The gate creeks open a little and a swarm of guards ooze out of them, all with their weapons pointed directly at me. "Put your sword on the ground!" shouts one of them aggressively. What is happening? I refuse to put my sword down but I raise both hands in the air to show I mean them no harm. "I said put your sword on the ground!" the guard yells at me furiously. It takes me a while to figure out which guard is the one talking to me but eventually a broad, pale man comes into view. His hair is soaked through like his clothes and he has a large scar stretching across the width of his forehead. He must be from farm station, injured by the ice nation. "I am not a threat!" I call out to them as loud as I can, desperate to be heard over the thundering rain "I'm one of you!" The guards whisper among each other, none sure what to do. I think I can hear one of them say 'isn't that the grounder chick?' and another 'Hey I think that's Blake's sister'

Their slowness irritates me so I march forward, determined to get through. I have a check-up appointment with Abby and if I don't get passed the gates in the next three minutes I'm going to be late. The guards clump together as I get closer and they rattle their guns around. "Don't come any closer!" shouts the far station man. Just as I am starting to get seriously angry, Miller appears and pushes his way through the soldiers. "It's okay I know her, let her pass" he raises his hands around to get the army to lower their weapons, and though most do, a few still have their guns aimed at me. Miller trots over to the farm-station man with the scar, whose gun is still raised. "I said that she is one of us" Miller says to the man quietly but loud enough for me to hear. "Then why does she look like one of them?" he says not letting his eyes drop from me. Miller rests his hand on the man's gun and pushes it down slowly so it is no longer aimed at my head "Let her through". Miller's sudden act of kindness towards me is surprising seeing as I have only really interacted with him a few times and he did torture my boyfriend at one point. Reluctantly the farm-station man lowers his gun and calls for the other guards to resume their positions inside. A large clap of thunder rattles through the sky and the rain belts down even faster and harder than it was before. When I finally get to walk through the gates I see Miller leaning against the fence in his guard uniform. "Why did you help me?" I ask curiously. He smiles a little and looks at his feet, then back at me "It isn't right for a pregnant woman to be stuck outside in the cold" He half laughs at his own words but I don't find them funny at all. I lurch my hand forward and grip his arm as fiercely as possible "How do you know?" I say leaning in so other people don't hear. "Calm down it's not like it's some big secret" he says slightly alarmed by my actions. I hate it that so many people know. They will treat me differently like Miller just did. I let go of Miller's arm and turn my back on him, heading in the direction of Medical. "You're welcome" Miller calls out sarcastically as I walk away but I ignore him.

When I ultimately end up inside the some-what warm buildings, I take of my jacket and shake of all the rain. Whilst my jacket may be thick and heavy, underneath I am only wearing a thin tank top and it isn't long before I start shivering uncontrollably. As I make my way to Medical in search of Abby, I wrap my hands around my slightly prominent belly. I know that unless I get seriously cold, it won't affect the baby but I still feel as if I should keep it warm. I rub my arms up and down on my stomach to warm it up and without even thinking about it whisper quietly "Is that better?" to my stomach. What am I doing? It's not like it can hear me so why did I just talk to it. The thought dismisses itself as I enter Medical. A few people sit on old, metal chairs in the rusty room we use as a hospital and I can see Jackson running around, trying to see to them all as quickly as he can. I take my place on one of the chairs and when Jackson sees me he instantly stops his work and walks over. "Octavia!" he smiles with that broad smile like he did months ago "Abby has just finished prepping the equipment and is ready for you"

"What put you in such a good mood?" I ask.

"Nothing," he says still beaming.

Jackson confuses me sometimes, I don't really understand him but he and Abby are close so I know I should trust him. The bulky, white curtain that separates the rooms, swishes open to reveal a vaguely tired looking Abby. "Come on in" she says sounding almost out of breath. The floor panels creak as I walk across them towards Abby and a cool breeze in the room makes me shiver more vigorously. Inside the small room is a white bed for me to lie on and next to it, a large Machine with a black screen. "Please take a seat" she says.

Once I am lying flat on my back on the thin sheets of the bed, Abby switches on the peculiar machine and takes out a pot of odd transparent goo that she then persists to scoop up onto her fingers "This may feel a little cold" Her fingers slowly press onto my bare stomach and the clear slime comes into contact with my skin. My body tenses and I let out a slight gasp at the unexpected cold that is being rubbed consistently over my belly but after a few minutes the icy feeling subsides and I am able to relax once more. My eyes are intently watching everything that Abby does; switching on the machine; fiddling with cords and cables; pressing buttons on the screen. Everything seems to fascinate me. Excitement and nervousness pound together so forcefully in my head that I feel nauseous like I have done so many times before. A sweet expression grows on her ageing face as she realizes how nervous I am. "There's nothing to be worried about" she says with a content grin tugging at her lips. She clips a final piece into the machine and then proceeds to place an odd object on my stomach used to scan the foetus. "Do you see that?" she says pointing to the black screen with one hand. On the screen I can see a smeary silvery blob with a larger silvery blob attached to it. "That's your baby Octavia" A warm, comforting feeling of joy pulsates around my body like nothing ever has before. I can't take my eyes of the screen. That strange tiny blob is my kid-or someone else's kid- that I'm growing inside me. In all my life I have never come across anything more beautiful than that tiny white blob. Not the purple flowers in the woods nor the view from the highest mountain can compare to that blob and I will do everything in my power to protect that blob and keep it safe for as long as I can, even if I give it away.


	7. Chapter 7

I sit on the edge of Raven's workbench swinging my feet back and forth in the air. Normally at this point in the day I would be out hunting or scouting the area but Bellamy pretty much has me on lock down. The cloudy sky blocks out the sun and the chill bitter air is a sign that winter is not too far in the distance. As I watch Raven fiddle with two pieces of red wire I think about how different our lives have become; on the ark Raven would be running around Mecha station or going on space walks but now she has to sit here utterly useless. As for me everything I do is getting harder and more frustrating, I'm already having trouble mounting my horse so who knows when I'll no longer be able to swing my blade. I gaze out the window of Raven's workshop at the young guards being trained. Lincoln and Harper are surrounded by initiates as he shows her how to throw a decent punch. That should be me. I should be out there with him, moving around and running and just being free. Alas I am contained and restrained by the monster inside me, holding me back and destroying the only things I enjoy doing in my life.

"Are you okay?" says Raven looking up from her work and seeing the somber expression on my face. "Fine I guess, just irritated" I reply. She puts down the wires she was splicing and glances at me, pity written all over her face. I hate being looked at like that, people constantly feeling sorry for me like I am ill or something. I am still me. I am still the same girl I was before all this shit happened. "So do you know what sex it is yet?" she asks giving a weak attempt at making me feel any better, however I appreciate her trying. "I don't know" I say shrugging.

"I think it's a boy" she says getting out of her metal chair and approaching me.

"Maybe" exhaustion and a lack of enthusiasm is evident in my voice.

"And he will look just like his Mum, all tough and scary but with his Dad's soft brown eyes."

I laugh halfheartedly but some part of me really does like to imagine that, picturing a small version of me and Lincoln. The kid having it's Dad's hooked nose and my pointed chin. Maybe it will even have curly hair like Bellamy's.

"Can I feel it?" she asks stretching out her hand. I'm currently just passed 4 and a half months and not much has changed since Lincoln asked to feel it but I let her touch my stomach anyway. As I pull up the fabric that covers my torso, Raven places a cool, gentle hand on my bare skin. "You're definitely getting fatter" she says "but you still look and feel pretty normal if I'm honest"

I smile because she's the only person to tell me I still look normal, admittedly most people can't even tell I'm pregnant but it feels like there's this huge round object exploding out of me from my stomach. "Have you thought of names?" she asks perfectly innocently but I immediately pull the fabric of my shirt back down aggressively. "I told you I'm not keeping it" I say coldly. "I know but I just thought maybe you would have thought of names" she says adjusting her tone of voice to match mine. "Well I haven't" at this point I shuffle of the bench and head towards the door. I was so angry at Raven's comment that I just wanted to get away from her, I am not even sure why her comment made me so mad but it did. Fiery, hot coals burn deep inside me and I storm out of the room, slamming the door behind me. The cold, metal corridor is practically empty seeing as most of the children are outside playing and the adults are working, so I march through un-disturbed. The chill from the building rises through the floor and clings to my ankles making me almost shiver. As I trek along the corridor and turn round the corner to my left, I see Bellamy stomping through with his head down and body tense. All my anger fizzles away and all I care about is making sure that my brother is okay. "Bellamy what's wrong?" I say putting a hand up to stop him but he brushes past me and carries on walking. "Nothing" he mumbles under his breath but his voice is tainted by sadness. I jog to catch up with him and stand directly in his way so that he can't keep walking. "Tell me what's wrong" I demand.

"Look O just leave me alone, I'm not in the mood right now." He sounds tired but his deep voice is heavy with melancholy.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong" I say stubbornly.

"Just stop worrying about me and go help out Raven or something" he tries to push past me and keep walking but he doesn't get very far. I pull him back by the collar of his shirt and use my body to block his way once more "You're my brother. It's impossible for me to stop worrying about you." He looks up sharply and his face is as hard and as stern as iron but a single tear rolls down the side of his rough, left cheek. "Tell me what happened" I say softly trying to comfort him. "You really wanna know huh?" his says sounding slightly angry. I nod my head in response. "Clarke's back" he says. I widen my eyes like I am surprised but the truth is: I have been communicating with Kane and Indra about her position in Polis for quite a while now so it is no surprise to me that she finally decided to come back. "What did she say?" I ask. He looks around, checking that no one else is around to hear. "It doesn't matter, all that matters is that she is back and now I need her gone again" Bellamy's words shock me but I think I understand them. I always thought that Clarke never really thought about how badly her leaving would affect Bellamy and that when they finally reunited things wouldn't be the same between them. "Bellamy just calm down alright, Clarke is dealing with a lot right now too cut her some slack" I say but he just gets even more riled up. "She has the nerve to show her face around here after what she did; after what she did to me" his voice almost cracks but he just about holds it together. "She left me, O! She abandoned me despite everything I did for her and now she comes back thinking that everything will be fine?!" his eyes well up but no tears actually start to fall. "I trusted her O" he says in a quiet voice like a little boy. "I lo-" for a moment I think he is going to say he loved her but he changes his words half way through the sentence, deciding her was sharing a little too much of his feelings. "I can't handle seeing her right now" he says finally. I sigh at the worn out expression on my brother's face and then pull him in for a hug, squeezing as tightly as I can like we did when we were kids. "It'll be okay Bellamy" I say "It'll be okay"


	8. Chapter 8

I hear nothing but the occasional hoot of an owl or rustle of wind through the trees. Lincoln lies beside me with one of his arms lying across my middle. His arm is warm and comforting and I can feel his deep, slumbering breaths on the back of my neck. Being wrapped in his arms like this makes me feel calmer and happier; no matter how screwed up things get, we will always be able to return to this exact position every night and relax in the safety of each other's embrace. However no matter how excepting and loyal he is to me, I can't help but feel like the little monster growing inside me is pulling us apart. I know that it is not my fault and that Lincoln will never turn his back on me even when I give the kid away but I also know that life would be so much easier if this stupid thing didn't exist.

Both me and Lincoln are snuggly tucked behind the wall of the forest and from where we lye I can see the luminous lights on Arkadia's wall. The sky is cloudless and each star glows brilliantly above me. For once there isn't a chill in the air and the wind is even subtly warm. Lincoln's chest rises and falls with every heavy breath he takes and I can feel it when my back is pressed against his as we spoon. Everything is at peace; everything except my mind. This still night reminds me of times when we first landed on the ground.

There was no Arkadia back then, there were no adults to tell us what to do, I could be who I wanted without any restraints and all of us were at least happy some of the time but it's not like that anymore. Despite the fact that we are building a sustainable civilisation with proper medical facilities and comfy beds, I miss the old times. Times when Jasper and Monty would make us all laugh, times when Bellamy and Clarke would make eyes at each other from across the camp, times when I would sneak out to see Lincoln in his cave. We didn't realise how lucky we were back then, things we never easy but at least we had each other. Now we don't. Now every single one of us is broken somehow, broken by the things we have seen and done. Last time I talked to Jasper he was sitting in the corner of the mess hall, drinking and crying at the same time. Last time I saw Raven she was screaming on the inside, hating every inch of her. Last time I saw Bellamy he had a faraway look in his eyes, like something was missing from his life. And I haven't even seen Clarke in over three months, she just decided that she had crossed the line and left. She left everything and turned her back on us all but I can't blame her. She had her reasons and so does everyone else for doing the things they do.

"Octavia are you okay?" says Lincoln sleepily as he pulls his arm off me. "Yeah I'm fine" I answer "go back to sleep" Lincoln forces his tired body out of his sleeping position and props himself up on his elbows "Why are you awake?" his voice is thick with sleep and I can tell he is only half awake. A cool breeze finds its way to the spot where Lincoln's arm used to be and makes me feel cold. "No reason, I just couldn't sleep" I say. He considers what he is going to say next before deciding on "Well if you need anything I am right here" and then he plops his body back onto the ground forcefully and tries to go back to sleep again. I wish I could fall asleep as easily as him but my mind always has too many thoughts whizzing around inside it.

When dawn finally breaks over the top of the mountain and showers Arkadia with the warm morning sun, I open my eyes and take in the beautiful woodland scene around me. It seems weird to think that I spent sixteen years of my life never even having a view from a window and now the view is all around me.

Bellamy is already at his post on the wall when I walk through the towering gates of Arkadia. When he sees me he immediately jumps down from his position and jogs over to me with a large grin on his face. Seeing Bellamy happy makes me happy and a wide smile appears on my face too. "Morning," I say as he approaches "what put you in such a good mood?" His smile widens and he responds with a joyful bounce in his voice "nothing, it's just a good day to be happy"

"Well I'm glad to see my brother finally starting to smile again" I say. Together me and Bellamy walk to the cafeteria and discuss our plans for today. I plan on seeing Jasper and seeing if I can help him in any way and Bellamy plans on standing at his post until lunch and is then going to do fighting demonstrations with Lincoln. "I can help if you want" I suggest "I am a better fighter than you" He nods, not disagreeing with me. "You can come along if you want but there is no way I am letting you fight in your situation"

"Oh please, it's not like you could stop me from fighting even if you tried"

"True but I think you're too smart to do something as reckless as that so I don't need to try and stop you because you will stop yourself"

He's right. I know that fighting in my medical state is a bad idea but I hate not being able to join in. Fighting and training is part of who I am, in taking that away I no longer feel like myself.

The room is bustling with people as we get our food and we struggle to find somewhere to sit. As we sit on the cold metal benches, eating and talking, Kane strides over to me. He's been letting his hair grow out and it now curls softly over his forehead. "Ah Octavia, just the person I wanted to see" he says crouching by our table. "What's up?" I say. "I need to have a word with you later on, it's important." Something in his voice makes me suspicious like he is trying to be calm about something that is actually quite substantial. I look over at Bellamy who is completely ignoring me and Kane's conversation and is just shovelling junks of pork meat into his mouth. "Sure I'll swing by your office after breakfast" Kane smiles before marching out of the room leaving an unsettling feeling in my stomach. Kane is hiding something and whatever it is I'm pretty sure it's what he wants to talk about later.

I stride along the prison-like corridors of Arkadia, on my way to Kane's office. Various pipes and tubing hang at random intervals along the ceiling and charred bits of metal line the scuffed flooring. When I reach his office I knock twice on the thin steel door. "Come in!" says Kane's muffled voice through the wall and I slowly turn the handle and push open the door. When my eyes adjust to the scene in front of me I am filled with only three feelings: Surprise, anger and curiosity. In the room stands Kane near his desk, Abby by the wall and in the centre of the room is someone with messy blonde hair, a thick grounder jacket and clumpy black boots. Clarke.

My first instinct is surprise and caution. She looks different, very different and she stands like a grounder. Clarke's eyes don't look surprised to see me; they just seem to smile painfully. "Octavia," she says calmly "it's been a while since we last spoke" I shuffle into the room and close the door behind me before answering her. "Three months" I say. "For three months you disappear and then you come back and act like everything is as it once was?" my voice sounds mildly accusing and bubbling anger starts to fuel my choice of words. Clarke bites her bottom lip and looks at her toes. "You show up out of nowhere and decide to talk to my brother, breaking him apart just as he was starting to put himself back together. He was only just getting over you leaving and now you're back?! Now you're back to crush his heart all over again?!" I pretty much shout now. "Octavia" Kane says trying to calm me down but I completely ignore him. "He trusted you Clarke! You meant as much to him as I did!" Clarke's shameful look disappears from her face and her eyes are now glazed with a shine of sadness. "I know what I did wasn't easy on Bellamy but it's not like I had a choice! I had to leave, I couldn't stay here Octavia. I couldn't live with the guilt" she says pleading with me. I scoff at her words and cross my arms "So you decided to spent the last three months sitting in your grounder palace with Lexa, the person who caused you to kill everyone in the first place" my voice is quieter now but is still cold and unforgiving. "It wasn't like that" she says. "Sure" I say sarcastically before turning away from her and facing Kane. I understand Clarke's actions but she hurt my brother and there is no way I am going to forgive her for that. "Why is she here?" I ask Kane. Kane leans against his desk with his palms resting on the surface of the table. "She came to announce Lexa's plans to make us the thirteenth clan…" he says trailing of before finishing his sentence "And?" I ask abruptly. "And…," he says "she came to talk to Bellamy". I laugh. I can't help it. Does she honestly think that he is going to want to see her after their last interaction? "Please Octavia," Clarke says stepping closer and gripping my elbows with her hands. I need to talk to him, it's important" her voice seems genuinely concerned. Kane takes his hands of the desk and stands beside Clarke "Just take her too him" he says "please" My eyes flick from Clarke's desperate expression to Kane's pleading one and to Abby's worried one. Abby hasn't said anything the whole time but I guess she is just happy her daughter is back and doesn't want to interject. "Fine" I say gritting my teeth not happy about what I am being forced to do. "You have no idea how grateful I am" Clarke says with a faint smile forming on her lips. I frown. "Just follow me" I say.


	9. Chapter 9

I march through the dank corridors with Clarke at my side. Every one of my hairs stand on end and all my muscles are tense. Something about Clarke now makes me feel uneasy. Last time we spoke was at mount whether and before that she was willing to let a bomb drop on me. So far we haven't seen any other people wandering around this section of the building but in a few moments we will hit the mess hall and I know people will be swarming there. "Does it matter if people see you?" I ask, still with a cut-off tone in my voice. Clarke stutters as she responds, clearly being awoken from a day dream "I don't imagine so. If anything happens to me then Arkadia will have to deal with Lexa and the 12 clans". I snort. I know that Indra thinks the world of Lexa and so do the trikru but I will never like that woman. Lexa is heartless, ruthless but I guess that's who she needs to be if she wants to be a commander that the grounders look up to. "So you and Lexa are close huh?" I say frigidly. "Not really, but she knows that it's wise to keep me alive and away from the ice-nation" Something in Clarke's voice makes me doubt her. If her and Lexa weren't close then Lexa wouldn't have let her stay in Polis, she would have sent her home; but she didn't.

For the next few minutes we walk hurriedly in silence. Hums of machinery buzz gently inside the corridor walls reminding me of the ark, but on the ark the sounds were louder and more violent. The icy air that circulates around the building makes me glad that I'm wearing a thicker shirt and bigger jacket than usual. The shirt begins to ride up my stomach as I walk, reminding me that soon I won't be able to fit into any of my normal cloths anymore; I jerk the shirt down aggressively. Some of the time I feel protective over the little monster inside me but most of the time anything involving it makes me irritated. I try to wear bigger and baggier clothes to make the ever-growing bump less noticeable and I keep crossing my arms to cover it. "So how many months gone are you?" says Clarke out of nowhere. I stop dead in my tracks and stare daggers at her "What the hell are you talking about?" I growl at her in a low, quiet tone. She smiles sheepishly "Octavia I grew up following the footsteps of my mother who dealt with pregnant women everyday" I narrow my eyes at her and study her expression. Her faint smile slips away and whilst she doesn't appear to be showing any kind of emotion, there is tiredness behind her eyes. She looks like she hasn't slept in months. I turn my head away from her and resume walking down the hall way. "Pretty much five months" I mumble.

Who am I kidding? My stomach is getting too big to hide it anymore. "Octavia I'm sorry for what happened okay?" she sighs but I keep on walking purposefully. "I know what I did was wrong and I know how I left things with Bellamy was bad but I never meant to hurt anyone" she says. "You've killed hundreds of people Clarke…" I almost whisper "try telling Jasper that you never meant to hurt anyone when he was left crying over his dead girlfriend's body". Impatience grows in Clarke's voice but so does remorse. I know that I'm being hard on her but I can't help it, I don't get how she can do the things she did and be completely fine. "I had no choice" she says so softly I can barely hear it "I made the decision I felt was right". Both are voices are getting so quiet we might as well be whispering. The stifling tension smothers each of our words. "But _you_ didn't make the decision Clarke. You didn't decide to do it alone. Bellamy did it with you. Bellamy sacrificed his innocence to help you make that decision" I lock eyes with her and I can see that once again they are glazed with the ghosts of her past, glazed with a raw sadness unknown to me. A sadness that is seen on the people who know they haven't just crossed the line but torn it apart. A sadness I think I once saw on Murphy before he left. "You abandoned my brother Clarke, after everything you had both been through, he stayed and faced it and you ran away like a coward" my lower lip trembles and tears prick my eyes. I'm not fully sure why I'm so upset, it's like finally seeing the damage she has done is too much for me. We reach the mess hall and a large number of people mill around like sheep. Some working, some drinking, some just hanging around. A repulsive feeling consumes me and I can't bear to spend another second near Clarke. "Bellamy is through there" I choke on my words slightly and point to where my brother is hunched over a drink by the counter. I know that after this he was supposed to go back to being on guard but I imagine when he sees Clarke's face he will forget his plans for the day. I don't wait for Clarke to thank me or to see my brother's reaction, I just walk away. I storm away from the mess hall without a second glance and push away my forming tears with the heels of my hands.

I hurtle my way through the claustrophobic hauls of Arkadia with little idea of where I'm going. I was going to find Jasper originally but I am in no position to guide him right now. I just keep marching on and on until I finally find myself popping out the metal doors and into the open air. An aggressive breeze spits into my face and tangles my hair. I don't know what to do or where to go. From the corner of my eye I spy a group of teens huddled in a semi-circle around Lincoln and a girl who I think is Harper. They are too far away for me to hear them but I can see Harper swing punches as Lincoln elegantly dodges them. They look happy. The group claps their hands and I can hear muted whoops and cheers as Harper finally plants a solid blow to Lincoln's jaw. He stumbles back in shock and then Harper catches him again in his gut causing him to double-over. I laugh subtlety before realization and frustration hits me as hard as Harper hit Lincoln. I long to join in. I long to be darting around, fuelled with adrenaline, every single one of my senses tingling with anticipation; alas I cannot. I can't run, I can't duck or dodge, I can't punch back. I'm completely useless. Everything I want to do, I can't. I want to train with them so desperately. A deep-seated yearning to be over there with them is all I can think about. But this monstrosity is growing inside me and crushing everything I love, destroying every little bit of my mentality, tearing away everything that makes me who I am. I hate it. I want it out of me. I thought I could do this but I can't. I can't handle the restrictions it brings into my life.

I turn my back on the group so that I face the wall of the building and I take a long, deep breath. I raise one hand in the air...and then slam it down as hard as I can. I forcefully pound both my hands into the cold, solid wall. My knuckles begin to burn as I repeatedly crash my fists into the building. Over and over and over again. One after the after. A pumping rhythm forms as each fist comes into contact with the metal panels. It starts to hurt like hell. I don't want to stop. Every time I smash my hands into the wall, a deep aching pain spreads through my cold protuberances. I keep punching and punching until my knuckles are raw and bleeding, but the weird thing is it feels kind of nice. The pain makes me feel alive again. The pain makes me feel stronger. I stare down at my blooded and bruised hands. _I am strong enough to do this_ I tell myself. Nothing can weaken me, not even this little monster.


	10. Chapter 10

I sit hunched over against the wall. The wind still blows briskly and I've been out here so long that it's caused my skin to feel like it's being continuously pricked with tiny needles. Ever since I left Clarke to go see Bellamy I have been waiting out here to see him. I want to know what she had to tell him so urgently. The cold, bitter air lines my lungs and every breath tightens in my throat. I have been out here for an hour and so far there is no sign of Bellamy or Clarke. Lincoln's training group left half an hour and Lincoln's out hunting. The threatening, ominous gates of Arkadia loom in the distance like prison bars separating me from the world I love. I can't wait until this whole thing is over so that me and Lincoln can live together in the woods, or join Luna's clan. I just want this whole nightmare to be over.

I'm so completely lost in my daydreams that I don't notice a skinny, lanky boy stride up to me. "Octavia?" he says but his throat croaks like he's parched. I look up to see Jasper standing over me with a confused expression on his face. "What's up?" I say. He stares at me in a puzzled way and then plonks down next to me with thud. "What are you doing?" his voice almost seems rusty. Two possible explanations to his weird sounding voice: he has been drinking more than her should have, or, he's been crying for a very long time. Both options are very plausible. "I'm waiting for Bell" I answer. Jasper's face looks sombre and his eyes look hollow and pink. I hate seeing him like this, every day he gets pissed to distract himself from his pain or he spends the whole day crying endlessly. "Oh" he says. He looks down at his shoes and stares at them for a few minutes. I want to cheer him up so badly but I don't think that there's anything I can do. Suddenly a though occurs to me. "Hey, do you wanna see something cool?" I ask with a hint of enthusiasm in my tone. He looks up from his shoes and nods. Slowly I hitch up the hem of my shirt to expose my rounded bump. The cool air tickles against my bare skin and I shiver slightly. Gently I take Jasper's hand in my own and place his palm on my belly. "What are you doing?" he asks confused but he doesn't remove his hand. "Just wait" I say biting my lip. Suddenly the skin on my bump jolts slightly making Jasper's hand move. He instantly flashes a glowing smile at me, child-like wonder in his eyes. "Did you feel it?" I say smiling, almost laughing at the awe on his face. He nods rapidly at me still with a beaming smile stretched from ear to ear. He stares at my bump and then it moves again. He chuckles slightly in amazement. "That's incredible" he says slowly, still not taking his eyes of my bump. "Pretty cool huh?" I say.

For a while Jasper and I sit watching as the skin covering the bump moves up and down in random places. I love seeing him smile again. Even if it doesn't last long that smile means a lot to him. "So are you keeping it?" he asks. I only just realise that I have never actually spoken to Jasper about it. He must have just realised I was pregnant when I started showing or Raven could have told him. "I uh-" I hesitate, not quite sure what to say. "I guess I'm giving it away" I say but something about those words feel strange, they feel different from when I first said them a few months ago. The thought of handing the baby over to someone else is harder to imagine than it used to be. "Do you really want to?" he asks obviously doubting how certain I sounded before. "Of course" I try and smile as I say it "I don't want a stupid kid to hold me back in life. Kids are such an inconvenience, just ask my mom" somehow I find myself questioning my own words. "You know you don't have to if you don't want to" he says quietly as if trying to reassure me. "Trust me I want too" I nod my head vigorously- too vigorously. None of my words seem convincing. I thought that giving the baby away is what I wanted but then why does the thought of it make me feel so sad? "Okay, if you're sure" he says. My head is a frenzy of thoughts and conflicting emotions. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to give the baby up but at the same time I don't really want to keep it. Everything is getting so messed up in my brain that I can't think straight. I need something to calm me down- I need an anchor. Unexpectedly I throw my arms around the skinny boy sitting next to me. At first he is stunned and doesn't hug back but then he wraps his arms around me too and I am welcomed by his embrace. I squeeze him tightly and he squeezes back. "Octavia, maybe you need more time to think about what you want to do with it?" he says into my shoulder "Either choice is okay but for the reference-" he pauses to inhale a quick breath and then continues "you would make a great mom" His words surprise me and I hug him even tighter. "Thanks" I say sounding a little emotional.

A few moments later Jasper leaves to go and get something to drink from the mess hall. I deflate when I realize that our conversation wasn't enough to keep him happy for a long period of time. Bellamy still doesn't appear after almost 3 hours of waiting so I find myself things to do for the rest of the day. I start by helping Raven and then I help to skin and slice the chunks of meat that Lincoln brings in from hunting. After that the day goes by fairly quickly and I find myself sitting around a large campfire with Lincoln as we eat our meat. People gather around the fire and stars cluster above our heads. Just as I begin to tuck into my third piece of meat two people catch my eye. I can see them from across the camp and they stand by the doors of Mecha-station. Bellamy and Clarke. I can't hear them from this far away and the darkness means I can't really see their faces either. Their silhouettes stand apart for a while and then I see Bellamy move towards Clarke and take her in his arms. He hugs her forcefully and nestles his head into her tangle of blonde hair. Clarke firmly wraps her arms around his neck and stands on her tip-toes to be at the right height. I don't know whether to be happy or not. I'm glad that Bellamy is happy and I guess that's the most important thing. I have seen how badly Clarke's absence damaged Bellamy and how it almost broke him so maybe now he can start to heal, maybe now he can be happy again.

The crackling fire glows brightly in front of me and seeing my brother look content again warms my heart like the fire warms my hands.


	11. Chapter 11

_Burning tears plaster my face and splash onto the metal floor. I can barely see because my eyes are drowning and I can barely talk because my throat is swollen from crying, so instead I just scream and kick but it's no use. I scream as loud as physically possible until my throat is dry and hors and I am coughing and spluttering. "Stop!" I yell, my voice distorted and garbled. "Please!" I scream. Hot shivers run down my back, uncontrollable shakes take over my arms. I can hardly breathe. "Please! She didn't do anything!" It's as if no one can her me. The guard's hands remain fixed tightly around my arms no matter how much I struggle. Soaked in sweat and tears; burning with regret and anger; shaking with terror. "Stop!" I cry over and over again but no one listens. I watch as they escort my mother into the airlock. "Please! I'm begging you, don't do this!" Tears slide over my lips and into my mouth, the salty taste reminding of stories I'd heard about the ocean. I wriggle desperately to get free from the guard's grip but it's hopeless. Everything right now is hopeless. From the corner of my blurry vision I can see Bellamy in his new janitor clothes leaning against a wall, tears roll quietly down his face. "Bellamy do something!" I scream at him but he ignores me. "Bellamy help her!" He looks at me with tear-filled eyes. "I'm sorry O, there's nothing I can do" his words are shaky and unstable and I can tell that he's about to break down. "You're a monster!" I shriek at the top of my voice. "You're a murderer!" I shout at Jaha but he shows no sign of emotion. He nods towards a guard and the guard presses a button to seal the air-lock doors. My mother's eyes are brimming with water yet she forces a weak smile at me and Bellamy. She rests an unsteady hand on the glass door as if reaching out for us. "Be strong!" she calls out loudly so we can hear her through the doors. "No!" I screech. The tears fall harder and faster down my face. "Please! Let her go!" I cry however my words are scarcely understandable as they are being drowned out by my violent sobbing. I fight and kick as much as can, determined to get closer to my mother. "Do it" orders Jaha in an emotionless voice. The guard presses a red button on the wall and a fierce alarm blares. The last thing I see is a pained, sad smile on my mother's face before the air-lock opens and she is propelled aggressively into space. "No!" I scream louder than I ever did before. "Mom!"_

I bolt upright rapidly. My heart slams inside my chest and I'm gasping for air. Cold beads of sweat glide down my forehead. The fire is all burnt out so the only light comes from the moon that glows mysteriously in the inky sky. Lincoln is still heavily asleep next to me on the forest floor; his eyes fidget under his eyelids as he dreams. I scan my surroundings to remind myself where we are but it's hard to see when there's no light. If I squint I can just about see Arkadia looming in the distance and me and Lincoln are tucked on the outskirts of the woods like we used to. I breathe a small sigh of relief as I'm brought back to reality and away from the hideous nightmare. When we first landed on the ground I had those nightmares constantly- dreams of the day my mother died- but it's been almost 4 months since I'd had one. I had started to think that things were getting better but apparently I was wrong. It's my fault that she's dead. If I was never born then she and Bellamy could have lived happily but I ruined their lives. It's because of me that she had to give up everything, she sacrificed so much for me and I ended up getting her killed.

I attempt to hoist myself of the forest floor but it proves more difficult than it used to be. The large bump is getting so heavy that I can hardly lift myself of the ground. It's weird to think that it's been 7 months since I found out I was pregnant. Eventually I manage to struggle to my feet and I start to plod deeper into the forest, I don't care what Bellamy says-if I want to leave the camp then I'm going to. The woods are even darker than I imagined but I can just about navigate my way around until I find the place I'm looking for. I continuously reach out for the trees to help me balance as I precariously try to step over roots and rocks and I fumble through the low-hanging branches. I've travelled for over 40 minutes when I finally reach my destination and it looks exactly the same as when I last saw it, a fence made from scrap metal, wood, ropes, seatbelts and other junk we could find; the floor is now blanketed in grass but still has pieces of wood from our tents and metal from our weapons strewn across it; lastly in the centre stands the peculiar structure made from metal with a large red curtain hanging over the door-the drop ship. In the night everything about this place is quiet and peaceful but I can remember a time when there was chaos and we were fighting a war, however I will never stop loving it. The cool night air plays with my hair and the fabric of my clothes causing me to head inside the drop ship for warmth. I pull back the red curtain and climb up the rusty ramp with one hand resting on my bump. Inside everything is dark but I can still see well enough. I carefully step across the floor and work my way towards the panelled walls, there's still scratches and dents from the many fights in here, most of them I don't even know how they were caused. I trace all the marks on the wall with my finger, near the top of the wall are two initials engraved into the metal, one says J.J and the other says M.G. Jasper Jorden and Monty Green. In the darkness I smile. I can remember when they were inseparable, when they would high five each other and throw food into each other's mouths but now they rarely speak; Jasper still blames Monty for the death of Maya. I miss the times when I would wake up to hear their laughter, or hear Bellamy and Clarke arguing despite knowing that they're the only one each other really cares about. I miss seeing Raven come up with crazy inventions and watching her run around camp trying to scavenge parts. I miss seeing white flowers hidden for me by Lincoln and sneaking out to see him. I didn't appreciate how lucky I was back then, none of us did.

Suddenly I feel the bump move as if it's trying to get my attention. I run my hands along my rounded torso in an attempt at comforting it in some way. Quietly I whisper to it- I don't know why because no one is around to hear me anyway. "I'll never let anything happen to you" I say gently. "I know that there are so many bad and cruel things that have affected us and changed us, but I will never let anything like that happen to you, I promise" Since landing on the ground I've been criticised, beaten up, fought in war, judged by others and I'm still trying to find my place in this world. I'm not skaikru and I'm not trikru but I swear that I will never let any of that happen to my little monster. I don't care whether I keep it or not because no matter whom it belongs to, I swear to protect it. "Even if I give you away, I will always keep you safe you hear me?" I whisper "Always."

When I'm done looking around the interior of the drop ship, I carefully cross the camp and begin heading back, when something catches my eye. Kneeling on the dirt in the grave yard outside the wall is a blonde girl, dressed head to toe in grounder gear. "Clarke?" I say into the dark. She looks up from starring at the ground and raises an eyebrow at me. "What are you doing here Octavia?" she asks sounding slightly tired. "I could ask you the same question" I say in response. She sighs and runs a hand a long her forehead to sweep away any stray hairs. When I look at where she is sitting I realise she is sitting at the foot of grave near a tree and I know whose it is. "Wells" she says. "I came to visit Wells" her voice is almost sad and she sounds exhausted. She looks away from me and stares at his grave. "I bet he would barely recognise me right now" she says. "He used to be such an important part of my life but I haven't thought about him in months, it's like I've killed so many people that I've started to forget about the ones I didn't- the ones that actually meant something to me." She doesn't cry but somehow this is worse, her silent sadness is much harder to understand. She just sits there staring at his grave with her hands crossed in her lap. "So why did you come to see him after all this time?" I ask wearily- not wanting to touch a nerve. I slowly creep towards her so I can hear her better. "When I came back I wanted to tie up all the loose ends that I had left in Arkadia and that included here. That included Wells and Charlotte and Dax and Sterling and Roma and Connor and Miles…" she takes a breath before continuing "All the people I had almost forgotten about." She says. I don't know what to say, she didn't kill all those people but there are a few she's responsible for and many she knew rather well. "We all have guilt Clarke, and we've all killed people." I respond knowing that I'm probably not the best person to make her feel better considering I still haven't really forgiven her myself. "There are so many deaths in this world that it's hard to keep track and it's not your fault for forgetting some of them. Do you think I can remember the faces of the guards I killed in mount weather?" I say. She turns her head over her shoulder to look me in the eye. "That's different" she says "You didn't know any of them. Miles was my friend, Charlotte was just a kid, Dax was only trying to help his family and Wells was like a brother to me. I told him everything, I trusted him, I relied on him, I loved him like family yet the past few months I haven't even thought about him" I stare at her and suddenly I think of my Mom, I remember the dream I had not long ago and it occurs to me that that was the first time I had thought about her since god knows how long. She raised me and yet there is always something more important to be doing than thinking of her. How did that happen? How did I just stop thinking about the woman who gave up her life for me?

I carefully approach Clarke and rest a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry" I say. "I'm sorry for being so hard on you when you came back". She pulls herself onto her feet and turns around to look at me. She forces a smile and then wraps her arms around my neck in a hug. "You were protecting your brother. He's lucky to have you" she says. I laugh and pull away from the hug. "He's lucky to have you too" I say. With that we start walking back through the woods to Arkadia and my opinion on Clarke has changed, I no longer hate her for leaving my brother, I just empathise with her. She has lost so much like the rest of us but she still has the strength to come out here and face her demons.


End file.
